I crave weight watchers

Height 5 feet 4 inches weight 215.2 lbs
Total lost 7.8lbs
BMI 36.9

"Habit is stronger than reason"

I learned that I probably won't ever be the girl who has one chip, or one piece of candy or just one piece of cake. But I will be the girl who tries and when she can't say no will wiggle even harder to the music and be having a damn good time.

Here are some things that I will try to commit to this week
I will dance at least 20 minutes every night - not just for the weight loss benefits but for my happiness.
I will move more - today I got off at the train stop before mine and walked the rest of the way home.
I will enjoy the time I spend with famiy and friends because I am with them not just because I am eating(or drinking) with them.
and finally
I will love myself a little bit more than I did last week.


On a side note I'm walking in the Walk to cure Juvenile Diabetes on my college roommate's team. Its her 20th anniversary living with Juvenile Diabetes and we are raising money to fund research to hopefully find a cure. If you want to sponsor me (the walk is Sunday) I've provided the link below.

http://walk.jdrf.org/walker.cfm?id=87182248

wow!

So it's been almost a week since I blogged and I feel awful. I guess because I've been so busy at work(I'm actually sneaking in a post now) that I haven't had the time to sit down and write but its funny because without writing I have given myself the freedom to slip. I have eaten over my points pretty much everyday!
Its funny because you think that you can really take control and handle it yourself but I couldn't. I'm actually craving a meeting to reprioritize and refocus myself. I don't knwo whether or not I gained( I hope I didn't) but either way I know that I can't trust myself around food, at least not yet.

The Goal

FYI This is the bathing suit I would like to be able to wear when I lose the weight - should I buy it now and keep trying it on until it looks great?!?!

When is enough, enough

215.4lbs 5 feet 4 inches BMI 37
lost 0.4 lbs

How long do you allow yourself to feel bad for yourself?
I'm nursing a bad cold, got into an argument with my mother and didn't lose as much as I wanted. And to be honest I'm really slinging the negative energy on myself really hard. I want nothing more than a huge slice of cheesecake and a scoop of Strawberry Ice Cream(and I'm lactose intolerant). I want to eat a pack of Laughing Cow Cheese and a box of full fat Triscuits. I want to forget everything that I have struggled to accomplish in the past 4 weeks and just drive head first into a vat of lime jello(which is surprisingly 4 points/cup if you don't get the sugar free version).

I want to just say screw it but I can't because this isn't about any of that. Its just that I feel bad and don't know any other way to deal with it other than shoveling food down my throat. I just this is the way junkies and alcholics feel when they reach their critical point.

So I've decided that I'm going to deal with the stress by sleeping(which I don't get enough of) and exercising (which will let me lose more than 0.4lbs a week).

How long do you let the fat girl out to spew the hate and then how do you get over it?

I'm awake

Barely though. I really need to refocus on my schedule for working 2 jobs and to my friends who have been calling and I don't pick up its because I just don't have the time. I will call you all back I promise.

So I am happy that I lost the 1 pound, I just wish I lost more.

On a side note, is anyone as excited as I am to have Halloween around the corner(even though Edwin says its too far away to start planning)? I love the holidays, decorating, dressing up(whether in costume or party clothes) and just having something else to focus on other than work, working out or my muffin top.lol.
I ahve a bunch of ideas for costumes but Edwin just wants something where he can paint his face. Last year I was away for work and he painted his face to look like a skeleton and well now he's hooked. I'm thinking zombies, or Freddy Kruger and Nancy(but all she ever wears is pajamas), or Spongebob and Sandy the Squirrel, or Jack and Sally from a Nightmare before Christmas. I need some ideas because I want to try and make most of our costumes and not feel rushed and buy the first junky thing we see.

Oh and on another side note the Medieval Festival is coming up and I'm wearing my pink sparkly horns and the cutest pointy ears I saw last night and Missy Foo will be a dragon. I love theme events!

sigh

so tired, need better time management skills to work two jobs

sorry, but I can't post a good blog right now :( I'll try tomorrow during lunch night night

Quick Update

I weighed in last night and I'm down 1 pound, that's it :( I mean YAY! I'm down one pound! whatever!

Part of me is happy to have even lost but still 1 pound argh! So here are the vitals

Weight 215.8lbs Height 5 feet 4 inches BMI 37

I'm off to the gym tonight I really want to get as close to my 25 by 25 challenge (but at this rate I have to lose 4.4 lbs a week for the next 4 weeks to make it).

FYI

Not a full post because I'm at work but I SO ate through all my points yesterday(and drank over them). I just stopped counting at one point, today is my weigh in, hopefully its not too bad - I think we all need our f-it days.

oh and my hair turned out ok, I have another appointment right before my birthday (only like a month away) so she can see how its growing out and trim what needs to be trimmed, hopefully it grows out nice and fast :)

FYI - I need 18.8more pounds to lose for my 25lbs by 25th b-day challange.

ARGH!

As if I don't feel like I need to improve myself enough I went for a hair trim at this "salon" in Chinatown and well came out looking a hot tranny mess.
SHE LAYERED MY BANGS!
I didn't even know what to say, I had a picture and we discussed that I wanted to keep it long and them HACK HACK HACK, my hair is RETCHID, obviously I felt horrible and instead of taking my frustration out at the gym I took it out on Chinese food take out.

17 points later, hair still a hot mess, so full and a bit disappointed in myself. I really should have consulted the book first before eating but it felt just so good to eat. I still measured so I would know how much but it just felt good to shovel food in my mouth and try to have it drown out the nasty on my head.

Ever feel like resorting back to your fat girl ways?even if its just for a moment? And M from Weight Watchers next time I'm calling you before I open the take out container.

wish me luck at tomorrow BBQ(I only have 2 allowance points left)

Night

Lights on or Lights off?

I was a lights off, cover around my whole body, you get on top kinda of girl for a looooooong time.

Then I met him, that was 3 years ago and now its a lights on, over the sheet, doesn't matter what I think I look like in this angle.

That's right I'm talking about sex and for a long time having it was awkward. And not because I was embarrassed of what I looked like to me but I was afraid of what I looked like to him. No matter how confident you think you are when that moment comes and you have to get naked, EEP! And regardless of all the surveys Glamour and Cosmo do about what guys really think. I'm thinking is "Oh Crap, Oh Crap, Oh Crap!"

And regardless of how long the relationship was that feeling never really goes away, until you meet him (or her). And yes it was awkward the first few times but eventually you focus on other things, like how he looks at you, or how his heart beats or how he makes you laugh even during, well, you know.

It's funny how love can give you that extra boost of confidence that getting into a size smaller jean can.

Was I the DUFF?

Let me begin by explaining the acronym DUFF, it stands for Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Supposedly every circle of girlfriends has one and she doesn't have to have both criteria to be a DUFF. Take Miranda from Sex and the City, not ugly and not fat but compared to the other girls she just didn't have IT, hence Miranda was the DUFF.
Thinking back to my circle of friends have I always been the DUFF? Not that I think I'm ugly per se but having owned up to the word FAT, I fit that part. I doubt any of my friends thought lets be friends with Ellie because she will make us look better but what about outsiders? Just as quickly as I labeled Miranda the DUFF, who has labeled me?

On a side note after a great conversation with a friend of mine I hope her sister is reading and knows that when she is ready I'll be here. Its hard feeling unhappy and uncomfortable in your own skin, especially when those around you look so happy and comfortable in theirs. But here is my secret, you will always have moments where feel unhappy and uncomfortable and thats ok. But just keep it as a moment. It will pass and you will feel happy. The moral of my story isn't about losing the 100 lbs or fitting into a bikini. Its about loving myself too much to be unhealthy and over weight. Love yourself enough. (that one is for everybody)

Diabetes - She's living with it and I'm trying to avoid it

I have a friend who just celebrated her 20th D-Day today. D-Day is the anniversary of her diagnosis of Juvenile Diabetes (type 1). She's one week shy of her 25th birthday. In her honor I donated $25 dollars, one dollar for every year she has been alive. I could have easily donated $20 to celebrate her 20th anniversary but I decided to celebrate 25 years of her life. Meanwhile I'm trying to regain mine.
About a year ago I had a diabetes scare. And not even that prompted me to lose the weight, even though my doctor told me that could get my insulin levels under control. My body decided that it couldn't keep up anymore, actually I was experiencing Insulin Resistance.
If you have insulin resistance, your muscle, fat, and liver cells don't use insulin properly. The pancreas tries to keep up with the demand for insulin by producing more. Eventually, the pancreas can't keep up with the body's need for insulin, and excess glucose builds up in the bloodstream. Many people with insulin resistance have high levels of blood glucose and high levels of insulin circulating in their blood at the same time.
And even though it was the scariest year of my life I couldn't even bring myself to lose the weight. In fact I gained weight! Am I really that shallow? A bad picture of me motivates me to actually lose the weight and blog about it but a life threatening disease doesn't.
So what if being able to wear a bikini with no spill over motivates me to lose weight and to get healthy. At least I'm motivated, isn't that the point?!?!?

My Double Life, Plus Size in a Regular Store

I've only shopped at a plus size store twice in my life (for myself at least). And both times it was to buy bras - Victoria Secret doesn't carry 38 DDD+(the plus stands for the boob muffin top I had going on then).
I have always bought my clothes from a "regular" store, Old Navy was (and still is) my favorite, just for the simple fact that I can buy a pair of jeans in a size 14 or 16 and not have to carry a bag that says Lane Bryant or Ashley Stewart or any other store with "women" in the title.
I thought that because I was able to buy at the same store my friends were able to, that I wasn't fat. Its like I had the Doughnut Devil on my shoulder saying "Its ok if the 14 doesn't fit, you can get the 16 and no one will have to know." That yellow and blue bag was my saving grace, my way to hide the truth that thick was really plus size. A way to pretend that I was just like everybody else, thin!

And for a long time I was able to live that way and then someone said something.

I had a boyfriend in college who loved my curves, thought they were sexy when I didn't. And it was great until I got back from the summer. He distanced himself and when I approached him about it he didn't want to say anything until I made him and there is was the truth.
I had gained weight and he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I had gone from curvy to fat. I was mortified and humiliated and most of all angry, how dare he call me fat, who does he think he is. I look amazing, its only 10 pounds, screw him! I hated him for so long.

We broke up because of that and other things but looking back at it, at that moment he was the most honest person I knew. He told me what I needed to hear and even though I wasn't ready for it he knew he couldn't ignore it.

Today I really do love who I am, I'm happy and loved and have amazing people who care about me and support me. I still look back and think about that night but its not a memory filled with anger anymore but of gratitude.

D.E.N.I.A.L or Don't Even kNow I Am Lying

216.8 lbs 5 feet 4 inches BMI of 37.2

So I sent a text message to my friends and told them about the blog and my plans to lose the 100lbs(I've decided to refer to them as "the 100lbs" so that I understand that they aren't part of me and when they leave I'm not going to be missing anything) and I got a lot of support and love which I expected from my friends and then I got the text message I knew I would get, the "you are beautiful the way you are" text.

Tiesha "....And for the record, you are one of the most beautiful people I know (inside and out). You carry yourself with such grave."

So I had to have the conversation I had with myself a few weeks ago.

I'm fat. I know its hard to read, trust me it's hard for me to know (and it even took sometime and an awful picture of me to realize). For a long time I covered it up with words like thick, curvy, bodacious, womanly etc. But if I'm ever going to lose the weight I need to own up to the 3 letter word and stop trying to disguise it. Its like poop, we have so many different words for it scat, feces, shit, bowel movement, doodie and regardless of what word we use it still smells! So I'm dropping the pretty words and owning up to the FAT.

Favorite Quote

'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man...I could be eating a slow learner.' Lyndon B. Johnson.

Losing My Inner Child

223lbs, 5 feet 4 inches, BMI of 38.3





At 24 I am morbidly obese, but you probably wouldn't have guessed it just looking at me. But I have a secret, I'm a closet eater, a nibbler and a midnight snacker.





That was me about 2 weeks ago, before I joined Weight Watchers(for the second time) and decided to document my journey in this daily blog. As of my last weigh in on September 2nd I weigh 218.6 lbs and have a BMI of 37.5. I'm still morbidly obese but making a change. I just can't let myself become one of those "I can't get out of my bed" people you see on tv.





So back to today. The reason this blog is called "Losing My Inner Child" is because in 5th grade I weighed 100lbs, most 5th graders weigh about 65-70 lbs. So I've decided to lose my 10 year old self in an attempt to save the real me, who isn't the person I've allowed myself to become.